Part of me

Feeling like a small part of me just died today.



Everything seems worth it now. Just when I was about to move on with my life, and prepare for a huge change in character, it’s as if life just does not want me to. I really didn’t want to end up hardening my heart, as that’s what I’ve always feared. So yesterday I was at my lowest thus far. But today things just changed. I don’t know how I don’t know why but you actually do care. I’m so grateful for that, you have no idea.

For the record, I ran. I also ate minimally and stuck to three, restrained meals. YAY me.


I’m not an easy person to be with. I know that. I probably won’t even try to make it easy for you. I’ll be really difficult at times. It may seem like, at times, I don’t want you, and I don’t like you, but I do. I’ll be a challenge. Because I’m not the type of person who people walk all over. I’m not the person who puts up with bullshit. I’m not the person who will give you sympathy comments. When I say something, I mean it. If people are assholes to me, I throw them out of my life. I’m annoying, I’m hilarious, and I’m the world’s biggest jerk. I’ll make you want to scream and punch walls, I’ll ruin your day and save it at the very last minute. I’ll drive you crazy and sometimes you’ll hate my guts. But even though all that’s going to happen, and I swear it will, I have an amazing side to me. I do. I have a giant heart. I’ll always be there when you need me. Even if my life is impossibly knotted, I’ll try and untangle yours by listening and loving. I won’t stop caring about you, not even if you push me away. You’re different from everyone else, I like that. It’s refreshing to find someone different in the world because way too many people are all the same.


After so many seasons, the guy finally gets the girl. They spend a couple of episodes together. Then the guy dies. The guy gets trapped in this purgatory and the girl, who can’t bear his absence, wipes out every single good memory of him, via the compulsion of their mutual friend. When she starts to think she hates him for who he is, he finally comes back from purgatory and is alive. But to her, he is everything she despised. And finally when she is prepared for her memories to return to her, the only way possible for her memories to come back is destroyed. Now, they are nothing but strangers. I hate you Vampire Diaries. Really do. /angst

Avoiding the inevitable

I know what’s going to happen. I’m going to end up overthinking, and I’m gonna end up fucking my own friendship. I try to bring myself to hate you but that doesn’t seem to be working. I try to distance myself in hopes that one day you just won’t matter anymore. Because no matter how hard I try, I’m just not able to differentiate the two of you. Two very different people, yet in the same circumstance. I don’t know a solution to this situation, and I really need someone to talk to, someone who understands, but it’s just so tough to find such a person. I’m sorry for the potential hurt I may cause In the process of discovering what I want.

When you lose your way and the fight is gone,
Your heart starts to break
And you need someone around now.
Just close your eyes while I put my arms above you,
And make you unbreakable.
She stands in the rain, just hide it all.
If you ever turn around,
I won’t let you fall down now.
I swear I’ll find your smile,
And put my arms above you,
And make you unbreakable.
I’ll make you unbreakable.



So. Let me start on why I am who I am now. A few year back, I was serving the army. I was in the logistics department, and at that point of time I was just a recruit. When my seniors ORD (their time was up in the army), I really felt pretty alone because there were all these new faces and I just couldn’t get along with them. Then came along a friend. That friend made me feel special because he included me among his group of other friends. Thing is, I’m incredibly insecure, and I always doubt myself. So when something like this happens I become overjoyed. I finally felt like I belonged somewhere, like I meant something to some people. I felt important; something I haven’t felt in a long while. I start to place my trust and everything on that person and we became good friends. But I’m not a simple person, and I tend to overthink alot of stuff. So when a sudden distance was created between me and that group of friends I became -pretty- upset. I just didn’t want to lose that friendship that we had. I became clingy. So, my friend eventually convinced me that nothing was wrong, but I knew deep down inside there was. We eventually went overseas, and that was probably the final happy moments we had. Once we came back someone revealed to me the reason why my friend behaved like this was because another suspected I was gay and I loved that friend. I was pissed, angry, annoyed, but most of all I was hurt. After clarifying everything I tried to go back to being friends but I just couldn’t. I should have trusted my instincts when I knew something was wrong. Worst of all, I just knew that the friendship could not go back to the way it was. The best times of my life just became the worst, and I couldn’t wait for them to ORD too.

I have massive trust issues right now. Which is why whenever I get very close to a friend I’ll think back about what happened, and what if the same thing repeats itself? Yet sometimes I find myself ending up in the same situation but I prevent myself from getting closer and trusting someone to that extent again. I admit, they are irrational fears. Stupid, stupid me. I used to be a ver cheerful person, but time and time again when I think of that incident I get occasionally emotional. Scarred, but I hope not for life.