Void.

So. Let me start on why I am who I am now. A few year back, I was serving the army. I was in the logistics department, and at that point of time I was just a recruit. When my seniors ORD (their time was up in the army), I really felt pretty alone because there were all these new faces and I just couldn’t get along with them. Then came along a friend. That friend made me feel special because he included me among his group of other friends. Thing is, I’m incredibly insecure, and I always doubt myself. So when something like this happens I become overjoyed. I finally felt like I belonged somewhere, like I meant something to some people. I felt important; something I haven’t felt in a long while. I start to place my trust and everything on that person and we became good friends. But I’m not a simple person, and I tend to overthink alot of stuff. So when a sudden distance was created between me and that group of friends I became -pretty- upset. I just didn’t want to lose that friendship that we had. I became clingy. So, my friend eventually convinced me that nothing was wrong, but I knew deep down inside there was. We eventually went overseas, and that was probably the final happy moments we had. Once we came back someone revealed to me the reason why my friend behaved like this was because another suspected I was gay and I loved that friend. I was pissed, angry, annoyed, but most of all I was hurt. After clarifying everything I tried to go back to being friends but I just couldn’t. I should have trusted my instincts when I knew something was wrong. Worst of all, I just knew that the friendship could not go back to the way it was. The best times of my life just became the worst, and I couldn’t wait for them to ORD too.

I have massive trust issues right now. Which is why whenever I get very close to a friend I’ll think back about what happened, and what if the same thing repeats itself? Yet sometimes I find myself ending up in the same situation but I prevent myself from getting closer and trusting someone to that extent again. I admit, they are irrational fears. Stupid, stupid me. I used to be a ver cheerful person, but time and time again when I think of that incident I get occasionally emotional. Scarred, but I hope not for life.

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Thank you

You know how sometimes only a certain bunch of people can make your day better? I mean, no matter how much others try it just doesn’t cut it, you just /need/ some people’s presence to make you feel better? Even the simplest thing they say can brighten up your day. No I’m not talking about love, I’m talking about a friend. Same difference, actually. Well, today’s really a happy day. Because I’m happy. IDK what it is, but I feel like I’m worth something when these people are around me. Best part is you probably don’t know how much I appreciate it. You’re doing it subconsciously. But I -really- appreciate it. I wish nothing changes. Yes, with work coming in-between our friendship I’m pretty sure something might go wrong. But every time I look at this blog post, I’ll remind myself that this friendship was worth it, and that will serve as an important reminder to myself to never give up easily. Thanks for caring.

How to save a life

1. Love 2. Listen 3. Breathe 4. Imagine 5. Let it go 6. Believe 7. Forgive 8. Hold still 9. Hold close 10. Amaze yourself 11. Remember 12. Make yourself secure 13. Make everyone secure 14. Take it back 15. Let it go 16. Dream 17. Fear 18. Talk to someone 19. Don’t lie 20. Don’t pretend 21. Trust yourself 22. Cry 23. Accept 24. Don’t hurt yourself 25. Don’t hurt anyone 26. Keep moving 27. Regret 28. Forget 29. Make peace 30. Make love 31. Banish wars 32. Banish hate 33. Be free 34. Feel free 35. Stand still 36. Don’t be scared of death 37. Have faith 38. Admire 39. Stand strong 40. Surrender 41. Dance 42. Smile 43. Laugh 44. Break 45. Touch 46. Have secrets 47. Share secrets 48. Know secrets 49. Relieve 50. Don’t lie to yourself 51. Release 52. Run 53. Learn 54. Leave 55. Trust others 56. Question 57. Be kind 58. Keep your memories 59. Don’t forget 60. Kiss 61. Hug 62. Scream out 63. Be true 64. Admit 65. Live 66. Release the fear 67. Secure 68. Give 69. Leave a legacy 70. Make a difference 71. Change the world 72 Share 73. Have passion 74. Fulfill your purpose 75. Pray 76.Repent 7.Be Baptized 78. Receive the Holy Spirit 79. Be like Jesus 80. Believe 81.Have Faith . 82.Heal the sick 83.Feed the poor 84.Hold a child 85. Smile to everyone you meet 86. Open up 87.Sing 88.Be thankful 89.Encourage others 90.Walk with God 91.Worship 92.Sell out for the Kingdom 93.Be prepared 94.Win a soul 95.Know your identity 96.Be humble 97.Watch what you say 98. Pray for wisdom 99. Say goodbye

Tired

Sometimes I’m just so tired of being there for people who aren’t there for me. I know that friendship isn’t supposed to be a give and take thing. You shouldn’t expect people to be there for you just because you were there for them. I mean, if that’s the purpose then the reason why you’re maintaining a friendship is because you get some emotional satisfaction back in return, right? It doesn’t get any better when these people claim that they would be there for you, but in fact never are. I guess no matter how much you try, a person who doesn’t value you from the beginning will just not value you.

I was told to care less, and to expect less. But sometimes it just feels so hard when I try. I built a wall so high up right now, and every time I feel like I’m too close to letting someone in, I shut myself back again. Because nothing lasts forever, does it? Maybe I need to learn to let go of everything I had been holding on to. Everything that happened in the past. Maybe I just need to realise that what was in the past stays in the past. Maybe I should stop letting it affect me. Maybe this time, things would be different. But are all the good times actually worth when I know that someday, all these good times would be nothing but memories?