So. Let me start on why I am who I am now. A few year back, I was serving the army. I was in the logistics department, and at that point of time I was just a recruit. When my seniors ORD (their time was up in the army), I really felt pretty alone because there were all these new faces and I just couldn’t get along with them. Then came along a friend. That friend made me feel special because he included me among his group of other friends. Thing is, I’m incredibly insecure, and I always doubt myself. So when something like this happens I become overjoyed. I finally felt like I belonged somewhere, like I meant something to some people. I felt important; something I haven’t felt in a long while. I start to place my trust and everything on that person and we became good friends. But I’m not a simple person, and I tend to overthink alot of stuff. So when a sudden distance was created between me and that group of friends I became -pretty- upset. I just didn’t want to lose that friendship that we had. I became clingy. So, my friend eventually convinced me that nothing was wrong, but I knew deep down inside there was. We eventually went overseas, and that was probably the final happy moments we had. Once we came back someone revealed to me the reason why my friend behaved like this was because another suspected I was gay and I loved that friend. I was pissed, angry, annoyed, but most of all I was hurt. After clarifying everything I tried to go back to being friends but I just couldn’t. I should have trusted my instincts when I knew something was wrong. Worst of all, I just knew that the friendship could not go back to the way it was. The best times of my life just became the worst, and I couldn’t wait for them to ORD too.
I have massive trust issues right now. Which is why whenever I get very close to a friend I’ll think back about what happened, and what if the same thing repeats itself? Yet sometimes I find myself ending up in the same situation but I prevent myself from getting closer and trusting someone to that extent again. I admit, they are irrational fears. Stupid, stupid me. I used to be a ver cheerful person, but time and time again when I think of that incident I get occasionally emotional. Scarred, but I hope not for life.