Avoiding the inevitable

I know what’s going to happen. I’m going to end up overthinking, and I’m gonna end up fucking my own friendship. I try to bring myself to hate you but that doesn’t seem to be working. I try to distance myself in hopes that one day you just won’t matter anymore. Because no matter how hard I try, I’m just not able to differentiate the two of you. Two very different people, yet in the same circumstance. I don’t know a solution to this situation, and I really need someone to talk to, someone who understands, but it’s just so tough to find such a person. I’m sorry for the potential hurt I may cause In the process of discovering what I want.

When you lose your way and the fight is gone,
Your heart starts to break
And you need someone around now.
Just close your eyes while I put my arms above you,
And make you unbreakable.
She stands in the rain, just hide it all.
If you ever turn around,
I won’t let you fall down now.
I swear I’ll find your smile,
And put my arms above you,
And make you unbreakable.
I’ll make you unbreakable.

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Tired

Sometimes I’m just so tired of being there for people who aren’t there for me. I know that friendship isn’t supposed to be a give and take thing. You shouldn’t expect people to be there for you just because you were there for them. I mean, if that’s the purpose then the reason why you’re maintaining a friendship is because you get some emotional satisfaction back in return, right? It doesn’t get any better when these people claim that they would be there for you, but in fact never are. I guess no matter how much you try, a person who doesn’t value you from the beginning will just not value you.

I was told to care less, and to expect less. But sometimes it just feels so hard when I try. I built a wall so high up right now, and every time I feel like I’m too close to letting someone in, I shut myself back again. Because nothing lasts forever, does it? Maybe I need to learn to let go of everything I had been holding on to. Everything that happened in the past. Maybe I just need to realise that what was in the past stays in the past. Maybe I should stop letting it affect me. Maybe this time, things would be different. But are all the good times actually worth when I know that someday, all these good times would be nothing but memories?

Learning to let go

A star falls from the sky and into your hands. Then it seeps through your veins and swims inside your blood and becomes every part of you. And then you have to put it back into the sky. And it’s the most painful thing you’ll ever have to do and that you’ve ever done. But what’s yours is yours. Whether it’s up in the sky or here in your hands. And one day, it’ll fall from the sky and hit you in the head real hard and that time, you won’t have to put it back in the sky again.

C. JoyBell C.