Avoiding the inevitable

I know what’s going to happen. I’m going to end up overthinking, and I’m gonna end up fucking my own friendship. I try to bring myself to hate you but that doesn’t seem to be working. I try to distance myself in hopes that one day you just won’t matter anymore. Because no matter how hard I try, I’m just not able to differentiate the two of you. Two very different people, yet in the same circumstance. I don’t know a solution to this situation, and I really need someone to talk to, someone who understands, but it’s just so tough to find such a person. I’m sorry for the potential hurt I may cause In the process of discovering what I want.

When you lose your way and the fight is gone,
Your heart starts to break
And you need someone around now.
Just close your eyes while I put my arms above you,
And make you unbreakable.
She stands in the rain, just hide it all.
If you ever turn around,
I won’t let you fall down now.
I swear I’ll find your smile,
And put my arms above you,
And make you unbreakable.
I’ll make you unbreakable.

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Void.

So. Let me start on why I am who I am now. A few year back, I was serving the army. I was in the logistics department, and at that point of time I was just a recruit. When my seniors ORD (their time was up in the army), I really felt pretty alone because there were all these new faces and I just couldn’t get along with them. Then came along a friend. That friend made me feel special because he included me among his group of other friends. Thing is, I’m incredibly insecure, and I always doubt myself. So when something like this happens I become overjoyed. I finally felt like I belonged somewhere, like I meant something to some people. I felt important; something I haven’t felt in a long while. I start to place my trust and everything on that person and we became good friends. But I’m not a simple person, and I tend to overthink alot of stuff. So when a sudden distance was created between me and that group of friends I became -pretty- upset. I just didn’t want to lose that friendship that we had. I became clingy. So, my friend eventually convinced me that nothing was wrong, but I knew deep down inside there was. We eventually went overseas, and that was probably the final happy moments we had. Once we came back someone revealed to me the reason why my friend behaved like this was because another suspected I was gay and I loved that friend. I was pissed, angry, annoyed, but most of all I was hurt. After clarifying everything I tried to go back to being friends but I just couldn’t. I should have trusted my instincts when I knew something was wrong. Worst of all, I just knew that the friendship could not go back to the way it was. The best times of my life just became the worst, and I couldn’t wait for them to ORD too.

I have massive trust issues right now. Which is why whenever I get very close to a friend I’ll think back about what happened, and what if the same thing repeats itself? Yet sometimes I find myself ending up in the same situation but I prevent myself from getting closer and trusting someone to that extent again. I admit, they are irrational fears. Stupid, stupid me. I used to be a ver cheerful person, but time and time again when I think of that incident I get occasionally emotional. Scarred, but I hope not for life.

Raped by my examination

Well good morning/afternoon/evening to whoever’s reading this! Decided to start writing longer stories on what’s happening in my life, compared to the short random posts I’ve been posting up! Hopefully someone reads this, but apart from people reading this, I know that someday I would want to read this too!

Hahaha well, it’s night here now, but I promise, no late night thoughts for today! So I planned to get up at 6am to head to my school’s library to complete my lab reports and -start- studying for the CA which I had later on in the afternoon. So guess what, this person who rarely snoozed his alarms chose this very fortunate day to snooze his alarm. BOOHOO.

Woke up late, travelled to school and met two buddies along the way. Rushed through the report and the referencing sucked as a result. Oh dear lord I don’t hope I get called out for plagiarism. Good thing that the reports had to be submitted in hard copy though. Phew. Now I just hope that my (favourite) TA does not decide to check on the references. Or I’d be screwed -big- time. So by the time I submitted it was already noon and that left me two hours to -start- studying for my CA. Note the word, start. Yeap. So, as usual, nothing was absorbed in that unfortunate two hours and I went for an exam feeling super unprepared. When it ended, I was SO relieved though. Nope, I’m still probably gonna flunk it but well, finally hell week is over! It’s finally Friday and I can afford to take a (mini) break because the next submission is only two weeks from now. I do have to study for another examination (next thurs) though. Argh, really can’t wait for the semester to end.

On a brighter note, the #SOWmates are finally meeting up tomorrow! SOW is the Science Orientation Week that is held in my university, and I decided (very reluctantly) to join the committee. Reluctant not because I did not wanna be a part of it, rather, reluctant because I always have little faith in myself, that I’m capable of being in a planning committee and get work done. Well, it proves to be one of the best decisions I’ve made this sem as they are one of the nicest bunch of people I’ve met. And some people inside the comm are just awesomepossumballs. (This was the group of people I was raving about in my blog posts earlier 🙂 ) So tomorrow, I’ll finally get to learn who is in my committee. Gosh I do love every single one of them but I’m secretly hoping I’d be able to get along with them very well. First time being in charge of a team, God please be nice to me!

Cos you know I’m all about that bass

Now this post might get a -little- controversial. So, just a little heads up before you start firing at me with fiery arrows. I’m not exactly the jock next door. I’m overweight, possibly borderlining on being obese. And I hate that I am. I do things to try to reduce my weight but my determination just doesn’t last for long. I have led a life that’s well, pretty decent I would say. But I’m almost positive that life would be much better if I did shed those pounds. I’d feel like I matter more. I’d be surrounded by much more people. The amount of respect I’d get would be waaaay much more. And this is why I’m so envious of good looking people. Because their life seems perfect. But then again, I’m blessed. Being who I am actually shows me my true friends. The ones that matter. I’d rather be surrounded by a few people who truly care about me, for who I am, as compared to being surrounded by hundreds who are concerned on how I look.

Still, this doesn’t give me the excuse to remain this way forever. I need some motivation. It’s about time I stopped giving excuses.